Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.
Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray."
Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
On Mondays, Wednesdays,
and Fridays, turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on
Tuesdays and Thursdays turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays and
Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water
during the week, so all showering is secured.
Raise your bed to within
6 inches of the ceiling.
Have your next door neighbor
come over each day at 5am and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller
could hear it, and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out
and trice up."
Have your mother-in-law
write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have
her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.
Eat the raunchiest Mexican
food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of
the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact
OA division at X-3053."
Submit a request form
to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house
before 3pm.
Invite 200 of your not-so-closest
friends to come over. Then board up all the windows and doors to your
house for 6 months. After the 6 months are up, take down the boards
and wave at your friends and family through the front window of your
home...you can't leave until the next day you have duty.
Shower with above-mentioned
friends.
Make your family qualify
to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher Operator,
Blender Technician, etc.).
Walk around your car for
4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.
Sit in your car and let
it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine
is properly "lighted off."
Empty all the garbage
bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they
need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean sweep down fore
and aft, empty all shitcans over the fantail.)
Repaint your entire house
once a month.
Cook all of your food
blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands
on.
Use eighteen scoops of
budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before
drinking.
Have your neighbor collect
all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every
5th item.
Spend $20,000 on a satellite
system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
Avoid watching TV with
the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night.
Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different
one.
Have your 5-year-old cousin
give you a haircut with goat shears.
Sew back pockets to the
front of your pants.
Spend 2 weeks in the red-light
districts of Europe, and call it "world travel."
Attempt to spend 5 years
working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
Ensure that any promotions
you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.
Needle-gun the aluminum
siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
When your children are
in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of
your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their
battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands
man your battle stations.")
Make your family menu
a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
Post a menu on the refrigerator
door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then
make them wait in line for at least an hour. When they finally get to
the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried
ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the
menu any more and just ask for hot dogs.
When baking a cake, prop
up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real
thick to level it off.
In the middle of January,
place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches
at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
Lock yourself and your
family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of
the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend
liberty." When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them
that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to
get ready for Engineering-certification and that it will be another
week before they can leave the house.
In your grim, gray dumpster
(refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friends (cite para. 12),
regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!
Sleep on the shelf in
your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife
whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should
then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
Renovate your bathroom.
Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head
to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water
while you soap down.
When there is a thunderstorm
in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can
until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt
pocket.
Put lube oil in your humidifier
and set it on high.
For ex-engineering types:
leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.
Have the paperboy give
you a haircut.
Once a week, blow compressed
air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your
neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
Every other month, buy
green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over
the roof of your house onto your neighbor's car. Ignore his complaints.
Lock-wire the lug nuts
on your car.
Buy a trash compactor,
but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of
your bathtub.
Get up every night around
midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
Set your alarm clock to
go off at random during the night. Jump up and get dressed as fast as
you can, making sure you button up the top button on your shirt and
stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil
the garden hose.
Once a month, take every
major appliance apart and put them back together again.
Install a fluorescent
lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.
Raise the thresholds and
lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either
trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.
Every so often, throw
the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side."
Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter.
Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for
sea."
Put on the headphones
from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around
your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say to no one
in particular, "Stove manned and ready." Stand there for three
or four hours. And say again to no one in particular, "Stove secured."
Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.